- wake up at 7am, whether my body achingly rebels or not
- get kids breakfast, with all my will to be cheerful
- play with kids
- put lukas down at 9am
- play with jeriah, get some housework done
- get lukas up at 11am
- get lunch for the kids
- play with the kids until nap time at 1pm
- try my darndest to relax, but usually feel guilty for not working, so sometimes i'll work instead
- get kids up at 2:30-3:00
- play, get snack for kids, get dishes done, do other housework, get dinner started
- feed kids dinner at 5pm
- get lukas down for the nite at 6pm
- give jeriah a bath at 6:30 and to bed by 7.
- go straight to the computer and work until 10 or 11.
- go to bed after work, and wrestle with myself to get to sleep by midnight or one in the morning because i just simply can't relax.
- then start the whole thing over again at 7 am whether i got any sleep or not.
all the while not losing it, not getting upset, not complaining, trying desperatly to not think about myself, keeping a smile on my face and my spirits high for my kids sake, and trying to teach them manners, rules, correcting behaviorial problems, dealing with tantrums and whining, etc.
i've perpetually not gotten enough sleep, and my brain is overloaded. we are in the predicament of both working from home, taylor not having an office other than our room with his laptop, not having much money and therefore it's more work at home to make ends meet, on top of everything else. everything has changed for us and will change again come January when he goes to school. by the end of each week i'm screaming for a break, to go have some fun, to have some "me" time, and yet i still have kids to tend and be happy for. it's neverending.
i adore my family and i want so bad for taylor to go to school and do well and have us support him in this. i haven't been very supportive lately and instead i've been very selfish in my thinking towards him. he does work hard, is doing his best, and i have no right to be critical of the little things that he does. all too often, i have days where all i can think about is, "what about me?" everything then gets in my way, every little thing adds onto everything else until by the end of the day i've had it, because i'm just too tired or stressed and all i want to do is forget about my responsibilities for a little while.
i live for the moments that make me happy, most of them being with my husband and laughing and playing and teasing and having a general good time. that is the best antidote to my stress. second best is just going off to be alone and eat some ice cream and read a book or something for an hour or two. and i love watching the ways my kids interact with each other and seeing their relationship strengthen.
i wouldn't change taking care of my kids. i love taking care of them. i love diffusing the conflicts that happen each day and seeing the love they share with me and each other. they are wonderful and nothing could keep me happier than knowing i'm the mother of my sons.
i would change having to work. i'm not a career woman. i'm a stay at home mom. i work, and do my job well because it is a major source of income for our family and we need to keep our family fed. i do enjoy this work and feel proud of my accomplishments, but in this circumstance it's hard to do it all. i have to work. i have no choice in the matter. some days, i'm going against the grain when i sit in front of my computer to work instead of doing something for me, to help me unwind from the day. i don't have time to unwind, so i keep getting more and more tightly wound, then get mad when taylor doesn't see that and help me make it better. like he knows what to do. i've got solutions to everyone else's problems, but none for me.
sorry for the rant, and the very personal insight to my life right now, but maybe someone has some suggestions for me. maybe someone has some encouragement who has gone through this before. maybe i can get over this without putting a deep rift in my marriage and therefore my life.
ko
4 comments:
I'm sorry your having such a hard time right now. I don't know if I have any works of wisdom, because frankly, I think I'm a little selfish too! You really aren't selfish. It's okay to want "ME" time. Could you ask Taylor to take a morning and give you a break? Explain to him how your feeling right now. I sure wish I were living closer so I could come take you away for a night. (a good dance movie, with lot's of ice cream) The best think for me when I don't know what to do, and getting frusterated, is PRAY. I'm sure you've been doing a lot of that lately. I will keep you in my prayers as well. I know your going through a hard time, and you will become stronger and a better person from it. Know that I love you and I'm really grateful to have you as a friend. You're such a great example to me. Thank you. Keep your spirits high!
Hi, I just wanted drop in and say thank you for the nice comment on my blog. And I hope you don't mind that I stopped in and read your post, I just like to reply to people :) I don't work full time right now, but I can absolutely relate to the challenges of supporting a husband in school and balancing work and motherhood and everything else. I was there not too long ago, so my heart goes out to ya! I know how much work it is. The only thing I can offer to do to help is supply you with really good recipes because food always makes *me* happy, lol. You have a beautiful family! If you stop on by my blog again, make sure to say hi!
Sara
(from Our Best Bites)
talk with Taylor, maybe he is not as intune with your needs as you might think he should be...Joe doesn't always see when I need him to give me comfort. You know? So just ask for a little help...hopefully you will unwind. I'm stressed too. I should be feeling good to be living overseas, but this is harder for my husband that we both could have imagined. Even when we take a trip away we fight, because it isn't as much fun for him. I feel frustrated at not knowing what to do. Oh well, I am trying!
I am glad that I am not the only one that sometimes feels overworked and under appreciated. Hang in there because it will get better but in the meantime as hard as is may be, you have to take some time for yourself, even if it is only 10 minutes a day because if you are totally burnt out you can't be there for your kids and your husband. You are amazing! Keep up the good work, attitude is everything!
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