Monday, June 25, 2012

Trials of Motherhood

Jeriah and I used to be the best of buds. Then Lukas came along and we kinda got a little distanced from each other, but we were still happy together. Then he turned 4 and I felt like I didn't know him at all anymore. What happened to my sweet happy boy who loved me? The boy who didn't get angry at the slightest thing? I felt like he was more mature at 1 than he was at 4.

This feeling hasn't really gone away over the past 2 1/2 years. It has been a real struggle to know how to deal with his intense angry fits, the seeming lack of communication and empathy for others, and his imagination that knows no bounds, even in reality.

Our relationship has been consistently on rocky ground and the way we have treated each other has been shameful at times. For the longest time I blamed him. If he just wouldn't get so angry, then I wouldn't say the things I did. If he wouldn't throw and hit and scream, then I wouldn't feel the need to yell at him. If...then statements plagued me.

I wanted a change. I needed a change. I have had to humble myself, realize that I am at fault here, and try to pinpoint where I am most lacking in my mothering of him. I still haven't gotten the full truth behind it all, but a few things have come to light that have caused me to seriously reconsider how I parent.

I love structure when it comes to rules, discipline, bedtimes, and mealtimes. When my kids are babies, it's simple, easy, and satisfying to structure our lives and see the happiness that comes from it. My babies were happy. I was happy. We were all thriving.

Now Jeriah is 6 and he's not a baby anymore. I can't control everything in his life anymore. Bedtimes and mealtimes are so ingrained in us that there is never any contest to accomplish them, but everything else is basically out the window. Rules are constantly questioned. Arguments abound, most of them completely based in his imaginary world. Feelings of entitlement require that everything else abide by his whims.

Mother's previously firmly established authority is not firmly established anymore. And I have spent the past two years panicking about it. At my lowest points I have questioned my own validity as a mother, wondered if I am even capable of doing this job, and even had the gall to think that maybe he would be better off with a different mother.

Control instead of love was what I was showing him. I realized that I was the main contributor to his anger, as he was trying to tell me all along by screaming at me "You are making me upset!" I ruled by fear and therefore I needed to keep everything in a nice tight box so I knew what to expect at all times.

I realized that I have this sweet, highly intelligent, loving child who just needed me to let go a little more. I needed to relax and let him be who he is. If he breaks ten things that day in the midst of some project, pretend play, or angry fit, then it's OK. If he turns on the hose without asking and gets half the backyard  and himself muddy, and then comes inside tracking mud, it's OK. If he doesn't listen to me for an agonizing 15 minutes when I tell him to get his pajamas on, it's OK. Everything is just OK. We can deal with it.

The main things I've learned through this:

  • Love him. Even when he's angry and spouting hurtful things, love him. Be kind. Remind him that you are being kind and would like him to be kind back, but don't require it. (When I do this very consistently for about three days, his attitude changes considerably on the fourth day.)
  • If he tells you to leave him alone, respect that.
  • Show him random acts of love throughout the day.
  • Come up with new projects that he would enjoy and do them with him. Example: He's really into insects right now, so I have helped him catch quite a number of bugs to keep. We even caught a painted lady butterfly, did research about that particular butterfly, and then let it go the next day. He was thrilled.
  • Really try to understand him by asking how he feels and why he feels that way. Don't put your two cents in and try to teach him anything during those times. Let him just feel his feelings and talk about them.
  • And most important of all, stay close to the Lord and do the things that you know bring you lasting peace. This has always helped me to keep my perspective where it's supposed to be and understand what my children truly need from me. And feeling a deep sense of peace helps me not panic when I feel like things are out of my control.
I just had a thought. I have a little boy who is 1 1/2 years old, and he does not fit into very many of my structures. I have had to put some things behind me that worked so well with my other two, just to keep myself sane. For instance, Jesse has learned to climb out of his crib already (which was traumatic to me in and of itself), and we had no choice but to put him in a big boy bed. I spent four days desperately trying to teach him to stay in bed when he's put there, using the same method that worked so well with the others, but he never got it. Or he did get it but just didn't care enough to stay where he was supposed to.

Taylor suggested that we just let him get out of bed and play in his room until he went back to bed or cried. Jesse can't open doors yet so him coming out of his room wasn't an issue yet, but I had a really hard time with giving him free rein in his room. I knew it was probably the best thing to do right now, but I was having a really hard time coming to terms with that other side of me that wants things to be predictable and controllable. My point here is that this little boy, who has happily defied all my attempts at controlling his actions from a very early age, is helping me learn to let go.

Maybe Jesse came here to our family at this time to help me learn to let things be as they are and stop trying to fit them into some ideal I have in my mind.

I have tried hard to employ all those points I listed above during my interactions with Jeriah, and we have been having a great time together for the past few days. He has dealt with hard situations with ease, and what anger he has shown has obviously been tempered. He has told me multiple times a day that he loves me, and will come sit on my lap and cuddle. What has been most surprising is he has listened to me when I have tried to correct him.

It's been like old times again and my heart is full to overflowing.


2 comments:

The Gallands said...

Thank you for your honesty. As Mom's one of the things worst things we do is hide these things from each other, and from ourselves. Learning to bend with the wind is something we have to learn. And my Mom always tells me that we do the best we can with what we have. The kids will be okay and so will we. One of the best things I've learned is from this blog http://www.aholyexperience.com/

"Today, the moment when I am most repelled by a child's behavior, that is my sign to draw the very closest to that child"

Good luck in the journey...I think you're doing just fine.

angelalois said...

Amen amen amen. I've been told by some professionals who have worked with us that we are given children who teach us what we need to learn. I am a serious perfectionist (sounds like you are too), and I just CAN'T EXPECT my son to be, even though every ounce of my being wants him to be. I've got to learn to let go, too. it's be tough. potty training was AWFUL. I so know how you feel. But in general kids are really forgiving, and they do love you. You're right, just love them. Unconditionally.